Superman

A report came out recently, verified by reliable sources, that Superman used steroids to elongate his illustrious career of crimefighting. Long-time confidant, Lois Lane, implicated Superman during an investigation of Batman, Aquaman, the Flash, and other comic-book heroes, all of whom have admitted to using banned substances to enhance their crime-fighting abilities. "The CBA between authorities and the crime-fighters union had not banned these substances at the time they were used," stated one super-hero, who spoke under the promise of anonymity, "but I have to admit; I knew I had an unfair advantage while I was using, and I regret ever falling into the trap of easy gain." Superman, however, has adamantly denied ever using these substances, including steroids and Kryptonian Growth Hormone (KGH), and has filed a lawsuit in federal court against Lane, claiming defamation of character. "I've done so much for Lois; treated her like family," said Superman, "so I don't understand how it is she could implicate me in this thing." Superman, during a press conference, produced an expletive-laced audiotape of a conversation he and Lane had after the allegations became known but before the report came out officially. The tape really didn't do much to exonerate the Man of Steel, but it did make Lane appear as though she were telling the truth. "What do you want me to do, Superman? Go to jail? I'll go to jail if that's what you want" Lane was heard saying repeatedly.

Superman is slated to appear before a congressional committee next week and has vowed to tell all that he knows, but his pending lawsuit would make that difficult, if not impossible to do, according to those who know about such things.

So, did Superman actually do what Lane has accused him of doing? Here are the facts:

1. Lane accused Superman of accepting illegal injections of steroids and KGH on several occasions over a 6 year time period;
2. Lane had no motive for implicating Superman along with the other super heroes. In fact, Lane's only motivation for implicating Superman at all was the fear of extended prison time if she did not tell the whole truth about everything she knew;
3. Facing a faiding career and reduced earning potential, Superman had plenty of reason to seek aid from whatever source he could find;
4. Every other person implicated by Lane has come forth and admitted that Lane told the truth; why would Lane fabricate a story about Superman and tell the truth in every other instance?

The jury is out, and the truth may never come out. After all, with no way to verify the facts other than testimony from the accuser and the accused, it's a "he-said, she-said" situation. Who do you WANT to believe?

One thing is for sure. Today is a sad day for fans of comic books. We never want to believe that our heroes are cheating, but in the climate of big money for big performance, our heroes have done just that.

Dan